Saare jahaan se kachcha..

How many times have you wondered what it would be like if India made it to the FIFA World Cup finals…


The crazed fans would shout “we want 4s and 6s” not realizing that goals, unlike runs are hard earned. Coach Chappel after been recently awarded on his comprehensive yet controversial book “The alternative uses of the digitus tertius (middle finger)” is too busy picking his olfactory organ in his palatial Amby Valley home. Captain Deewar Dravid would be our defence main stay and Dhoni the wicket oops goal-keeper would miss a few goals in the process of grooming his golden locks. Irfan Pathan, Sreesanth and Co. will be shown the red card for handling the ball and Sehwag for slogging his way at the opponents. Yuvraj and Kaif would be visible only during the celebration of any goals. They would have earned quite a reputation for their "austropithecus sapiens" a kind of “one on one” celebration ritual. Anil Kumble, the ace spinner aka bender still hasn’t learnt the art of guess what??.... “Bending”. Bhajji has developed a new delivery called the “ikkeesvi” or the “21st”after realizing that his doosra, teesra etc didn’t work in cricket; what the rat’s arse will they work in football? Tendulkar is out because he is nursing his “football ankle” or “achilles-epicondilytis”. Last but never the least our bench strength is lead by a topless (old habits die hard!!) dada-our own prince of Kolkata. All our players would run only 22 yards and then pass the ball to the next available player who in all probability would be of the other team. Our formation would be the 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation. After seeing such as a bleak eventuality, do we still want India to make it big in football??

But before that lets take a sneak preview of the potential competition we face from super powers like Togo, Ghana, Serbia & Montenegro et all…
Let me put in a few figures to get some perspective after all 93.13% of all statistics are “male cow- faeces”.

Disclaimer : All the figures in this survey are true and any resemblance to other figures true or most importantly false are purely deliberate. I am God and you low lives have nothing better in your pitiable existence than to read further and swear by the random number play below:

India v/s (Togo+ Ghana+ Cote d’Ivore+ Angola+ Tunisia+ Ukraine+ Croatia+ Serbia &Montenegro+ Czech Republic)

India - (read as minus) The Superpowers= “blatant shamelessness”

Area - 3287590 sq kms. (-) 2869553 sq kms. =418037 sq kms.

Pop. - 11033371000 (-)144530546 =10888840454

GDP ($) - 3633000000000 (-)293629430000 =3339370570000

Now lemme throw some sense into the ridiculous number of zeroes mentioned above. In short after discounting for the space for 9 potential football world cup finalists’ we still have close to a few million people producing a few billion dollars as GDP.


Sometimes the genius of Harsha Bhogle adds a sort of black humor to our already miserable lives. He recently made a seemingly harmless observation that a presently defunct country named Yugoslavia broke into three countries and guess what?? Each one of them made it to the finals this year!!! Surprising??

Dwelling a bit more on Yugoslavia-when Sania “nose ring/weird tees” Mirza, made it to the top 30 in tennis, India hastily named a mania in her name and buried her in endorsements. Tea and soft drinks, I understand but petrol & diesel??? is just plain ridiculous. And last heard she is giving global gyaan to youngsters who want to make it "BIG" in tennis. I hope she practices her speech before the mirror every day; it might help you know!!! Guess what..?? in Martina Navratilova and Monica Seles, Yugoslavia had already produced two world no. 1s’ in tennis and that too as early as 1990.

Here’s some more trivia S&M aka Serbia & Montenegro (not Sadism & Masochism) won their independence as early as Feb 4th 2003 and infact Montenegro has been declared separate from June 6th 2006. Meanwhile mera bharat mahaan is basking in the 59th year of its glorious independence and still remembering the 1950 Brazil world cup when India was invited by FIFA and the Brazilian Football Federation but didn't take part because most of the Indian players played the game barefooted. Wow!!, after that fatal miss of almost a platinum-opportunity, it seems as if a billion dreams of cheering their own nation at a football world cup finals would remain unfulfilled.

No wonder Adidas doesn’t sell well in India. After all we the people strongly believe in “Everything is Impossible” and yet in the U.K their campaign with Fauja Singh, ironically a 94 year old N.R.I is a big hitand that too with an anti-thesis-“Impossible is nothing” slogan . What is “it” with Indians who go abroad huh??

Anyways heres some food for thought will we make it to the world cup at least before a "yet to be" born nation???








Keep guessing….

abba cha...

!!!3 finger space!!! my first effort is to reflect the best known "abba-cha"attitude of our own hyder-abad (it has attained cult status and even has its own community on the "orgasmic" orkut with a whopping 200 members)!! It struck me when i read an article by Ms. Beauty give-give( read as Shobaa de de..) in she went which ga ga over what a beautiful and carefree nation Italy was..she said "There is beauty everywhere"( I know that is code for I'm ogling at the good-looking male posteriors)..But madam spare a moment for India's answer to Utopia-the "lite lele" city,Hyderabad.

The best microcosm of our nawabi lineage is our very own traffic junction. You have the classic police man with the custom-made tea cup holder (read as his round belly),the motorbike-revving college-goer awfully late for college (he's already a good 15 mins late to his cafe rendezvous),the middle aged office employee with the ubiquitous i.d tags around his neck reminding us of Mans' best friend and of course the good looking women-folk( the proof of their good-looks being the kinda efforts they take to cover up every inch of their "fairer-sex")-some of them resemble the terrorists contemplating a bombing of some sort.Helmets/mobile phone holders hung judiciously to protect the stepny and we are pioneers in "Zen and the art of cut-maarna". And not to forget our fast lane denizens-the heavy duty 000 cc bicycle & cycle rickshaws who made made it their own"dad's lane"plus the vendors who occupy a cool 25% of each side of every road selling everything from nuts to balls and evrything in between!!


We hyderabadis' are still perplexed by the presence of an additional colour on our traffic light,the orange or is it the yellow??we know only the red-when we race to get to the other side and the green- when we apply brakes to prevent dashing the other guys vehicle!!and btw jumping the signal refers to doing the reverse..And our traffic has acquired folk-lore status;even on his latest trip to apun-ka-hyd,my israel-returned uncle declares that if you can drive in hyderabad, you can drive anywhere in the world!!So much for the Hamas,the P.L.O and the gaza strip-tease!!!

When we bang into each other which is just about all the time we share what i call the "mother-sister" vocabulary lest the whole thing is dealt in a very civilised blow for blow format. The women-folk esp the ones wielding the wheel of terror are out to prove a point to the men that they want a 50% reservation in causing minor fatal accidents too. Our evidently pregnant traffic mamu turns a homer's eye(coz nelson was blind only in one eye) to all the female delinquents. From experience i quote that incase you dont have any documents on you and nor does your vehicle then jus let your girl-buddy drive especially in mamu-infested areas (follow this maxim even if she doesnt know how to drive). But whatever it may be our traffic mamu books atleast 4 or 5 innocent travellers for his daily dosa or biriyani or even for his tea-water(i.e chai-paani)

The poster girl of Hyderabad ideally should be the "Lifebuoy Anti-septic Soap" girl who declared long back that come what may,"I DONT CARE". Thats our slogan,"we jus dont care"!!! With special reference to our presence by the one and only name that represents change(coz u really dnt know if u r gonna see a he or a she the next time you see him or is it her??) "Micheal jackson" in the song "All I wanna say is that "they"dont really care bout us"

Guess what we think about morality or civic sense....???.
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Abba chaa....