" Thats all folks..."

date: 22/10/2006 1:08 AM

...after having read the entry on Benjamin Franklin in a Readers Digest selection of "Inspiring People: Fifty who made a difference", I'm paralysed by an inexplicable feeling of "nothingness". I was particularly struck by a certain question-"The shrewd, witty and homespun philosopher? The wizard of science? The canny businessman? The revolutionary? Was it possible that anyone could be all this and more?"

Half a decade (thats 5 years in 3 words)ago, I'd have answered that question in the affirmative; afterall my lifelong (for the first 12-15 years of my human life) dream was to become a "polymath".What irony?? Today, at this very moment, I've made a self realisation that I've been living in denial for most part of the year that passed. Hence I rechristen myself the "CIPHERMAN" whose superpowers include an insatiable hunger for inactivity and nothingness.

I feel absolutely "nothing" about "everything that matters". It seems like I ve been waddling in self pity over the loss of possibly the only true blessing in my life, for ever. I'm sinking in the career quagmire, after having effectively dismantled the brightness button on my future's remote control. Yet another academic failure is imminent and I seem to have run out of excuses, especially for the well deserved debacles. I ve no interests, no hobbies, no passtimes and no real friends. I ve even stopped mourning the early demise of my social circle whom I ve subjected to unreasonbly rude criticism for shortcomings and frustrations of my making.

Each day passes without a semblance of activity on any front; worse still is the fact that there isnt any hope for it too..The only real consolation is the fact that I keep reminding myself that its not been like this always. Afterall my aspirations of becoming a sucessful businessman (event management), author, singer, film maker, cricketer, rock star, national level quizzer et all, which at some junture of my past existence seemed tenable if not plausible. The truly amazing change is that even in my dreams today, though I begin in the right earnest, I almost invariably end up a loser.

I seem to have had a drought of feelings, emotions, urge, aspirations, dreams and in short everything that separates me from my arboreal ancestors. Armed with all the circumstantial evidence and the bumps all over my body, the truth finally dawned upon me-" I ve hit ROCK BOTTOM and I'm living there!!!!!" Honestly it still does not move me... Apparently no awakening or upheavels are forthcoming...

However, in all this negativity, I seem to have hit upon an idea to sum up or assess one's thoughts about oneself...SELF ASSESSMENT, is it??Incase you ve heard this idea before, keep that to yourself dont be an arse and kick a corpse...Strictly in my terms I find it a novel yet resourceful way to take stock of one's life. Well, its simply to compose an EPITAPH for oneself (incase she/he were to drop dead immediately after that)

How do I want to be re-membered? I might not want to hazard a guess considering the current melancholic overtures of my mind. Afterall it should take atleast 3 words to qualify as an epitaph and

CONSUMMATELY ZILCH

is a brutally honest option but I atleast want to die with pride...